To Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II

Your Majesty,

I hope this letter finds you well and in good health. As I am sure you are aware, the state of our nation is a precarious one, at best. This has led me to ponder our former relationship. I wonder, can it be salvaged? In other words:

Please, for the love of God and all things holy, take us back.

In hindsight, we may have overreacted when we threw that tea into the harbor. In all fairness, it was really good tea. We had no business smuggling tea into the colonies just to avoid a 1% surcharge. What’s 1% among friends and family? And if you were a little heavy handed with us, well, all we had to do was wait for a successor to the throne. Look at some of the great monarchs we missed: Queen Victoria, King George VI, and yourself. Instead, we’ve trapped ourselves into a corrupt constitutional republic we pass off as a democracy to pacify our citizens that has taxed us to an unlivable point. Have you seen what we call politics lately? We’ve become a laughing stock.

Not only will you get back the original 13 colonies who left you, you’ll be getting 37 more than you had before. Do whatever you want with them. Sell Florida back to the Spanish; I doubt they’ll notice. Make Maine and Massachusetts one colony again. No one should live in either place, anyway. Plus, we’ll keep an eye on those shady Canadians for you, or they can keep an eye on us. Truth be told, we have no business keeping an eye on anyone these days.

We admit we screwed up. We thought we could do things ourselves and be better off without you. We see now just how utterly wrong we were. We’ve made a huge mess of ourselves. We need you back in our lives to make us better. We know we’re in an ugly state right now, but with your help, we’ll be back in shape in no time. All we ask is that you let us keep college football, Disneyland, Disney World, and San Diego Comic-Con International. As for the rest, feel free scrap it all and start over.

Please, we’re begging you, consider our proposal. Right now, we’re the sad ex standing in the rain holding a bouquet of flowers hoping you’ll take us back. We’re Lloyd Dobler standing in the park with the boom box over our head.

We’re sorry. We’re so terribly, deeply sorry.


A Deeply Troubled and Contrite United States of America

PS: God save the Queen.


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