Note: Yes, I “borrowed” the title of this blog from the R.E.M. song and changed the words slightly to avoid any potential copyright infringement. So there.
As I scanned the news yesterday, I came across an interesting article. The CDC recently published a warning about the impending Zombie Apocalypse and what we can do to prepare for it. What worries me is not the fact that they published this, but they weren’t kidding. This makes me wonder what they know that the rest of us don’t. I’ve seen The Omega Man and I Am Legend (both based on the same book) as well as The Stand, Night of the Living Dead, Zombieland, etc., and they all say the same thing: Some government scientist working on some über Top Secret project is going to screw up and kill us all. Now, the CDC publishes this article and expects us not to worry. Really? WHAT AREN’T YOU TELLING US??? Look, if Dr. Schmuckatelli accidentally spilled a vial of his experimental virus, went home, bit his wife and kids, they now crave human flesh, and it’s spreading, just let us know. We’re going to find out eventually when Aunt Edna rises from the dead and tries to eat Little Susie. Instead of trying to hide behind some kitschy little tongue-in-cheek Public Service Announcement, just come out and say, “Hey, we screwed up. Sorry. Make sure you shoot Aunt Edna in the head before she snacks on Little Susie.” I think that’s something we need to know before we start researching funeral costs.
If that’s not enough, there are billboards all over San Diego telling us that the Rapture is scheduled for this Saturday, May 21st, and we all need to “get right with God” by then. According to Harold Camping, this Saturday marks the 7,000-year mark since the Great Flood, which, according to Camping’s interpretation of The Bible, is when the Second Coming will occur. Camping isn’t waffling on this, either. He claims that the Rapture will occur on Saturday “beyond the shadow of a doubt.” Most mainstream Christians are scoffing at this and have dismissed it as hokum. Others are using it as an excuse to hold “End of the World” parties. While his claims do sound pretty far-fetched and most Christians agree that no one knows exactly when the Second Coming will happen (“If you will not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what hour I will come against you.” Revelation 3:3), what if he isn’t wrong? Let’s review some recent events: uprisings throughout Africa and the Middle East, the earthquake in Japan followed by the tsunami and subsequent nuclear meltdown, the Mississippi River flooding, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child… OK, maybe I got a little carried away, but you see my point. Things are getting really bad really fast. Is it all just a massive coincidence? Maybe. But what if it isn’t? Could this really be the End of Days? I guess we’ll find out on Sunday, May 22nd. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not running out to hand out fliers or anything like that. I’m pretty confident that we’ll all be here on Sunday. However, just on the off chance that Camping may be right, I’ve decided to clean up my act a little. I know I’m not perfect, but I also know I could do a lot better. For example, instead of cursing at the person who cuts me off on the freeway, maybe I’ll say a little prayer for them. Besides, if all that comes out of this is that we all start behaving better, maybe it’s worth it.
So, it looks like this may be it for us. If the Zombie Apocalypse doesn’t do us in, the Rapture probably will. Either way, I think my family and I will be OK. If not, there really isn’t too much we can do about it except pray for the best. Personally, if I know I’m screwed either way, once I’ve finished praying, there’s a bottle of Bacardi in my freezer that may just have to be consumed very quickly. I even have the Coke to go with it. I don’t plan to join in with the looting or rioting; I’ll just wait for my time to come. I know that sounds pretty defeatist, but there’s only so much I can control. So if this really is the end, I want you all to know how much I’ve really appreciated knowing you. I really hope I see you in heaven. If it isn’t, maybe we can get together for lunch on Sunday. Personally, I think I’m going to keep my weekend plans “tentative” for now.
So, what are your plans this weekend?